Sigmund Freud, a Psychologist, believed that the experiences of a person in his early years play a vital role in a person’s personality formation. Papa, although he probably doesn’t know Freud, is a believer of this. In fact, while other kids would probably get bedtime stories about fairy tales and happy endings, we (his children) have been audience to true to life stories often on his bad experiences. Sabi niya importante pag ulayan o aramon ang kadtu ta para maraman kung tano arog kani o kayan ang ngyari or mangyayari sa huring panahon.
After everystory, he would start enumerating the lessons to be learned like a true teacherthat he is. Lao ser! Shan si! For examples:
- Makisamasa kapwa. Makanuod magkuntinwar.
- Iwasan mag utang at saka mag mulistiya para dai ka magka utang na buot.
- Angtama, tama. Ang sala, sala! Importanteng maray ang prinsipyo.
Being exposed to stories like these, sometimes you can’t help but make ‘em fall on deaf ears. Paulit-ulit nalang si Papa. Habo ko na magdangog. Makalayas na daw sa harong naini. Hehehe.
That day came when I left for Dubai. Mayong sermon duman. Ayahay! The first time I left back in 2009, Papa cried. I thought it was strange as Papa and I… we didn’t have an ideal relationship. Sabi ko sa sadiri ko baka tears of joy ta mahali na si pasaway niyang aki.
Anyway, I came back after more than a year to an again crying Papa but that time with deep appreciation for him. My experiences abroad were like a slap in the face to make me realize that I should be thankful for Papa’s pangarals which became very handy in dealing with people and difficult situations. Tama man nanggad simga sabi ni Papa. Itong mga akala ko binungog bungugan ko na mga paulit ulit niyang “homily” nag sink in palan. Maray nalang.
For more or less 3 years, I left home and went home to a crying Papa and growing deeper appreciation for Papa. Though the last time I left back in August 2012 (after his birthday), he cried harder because Marlon asked my hand (kamot lang?) for marriage. Kan mahali na kami sabi ko kay Papa na dai na maghibi ta maresign naman ako pirang bulan lang magkakaibanan naman kami and teasingly sabi ko pa “don’t miss me too much!” then I kissed him in the cheeks.
When I left Singapore last November, I was with a gut feeling that the Lord had a plan for me. Thinking about it, the Lord prepared me for what I was about to experience: the nights when I would suddenly think of Papa and cry so hard. Sabi nga niMarlon kapay daa ako. Tapos nagka skin problem ako, the online job suddenly cancelled my employment, patiuuli na talaga ang pagmati ko. Fearful and unsure sabi ko kay Lord: whatever your plan is, I will embrace it.
I came hometo a not crying but a sick Papa. Just the day after I arrived, we rushed him tothe hospital where we stayed for 2 weeks. When we came home, things were neverthe same.
There are twothings that make Papa happy: Good food and good conversation.
Both weretaken away from him since early December. He lost his voice and his food had to be osteorized and given through a tube planted in his tummy. He also had to be suctioned via trache so he can be relieved of his phlegm secretions and avoid aspiration. It was difficult and at times exhausting. Moreover, it hurt to see him in pain.
May mga beses na napapahapot ako sa Diyos: Why? Tano? Bakit? Wey she me? My papa had already been through so much pain (emotional pain) in his lifetime to still deserve this. It was painful to see him suffer. And it was even more painful when Papa after a nap would wake up and mouth the words “Maray pa magadan na ako. Problema na ako.”
Was his lifethat bad to prefer death? Sabi ko man saiya, at times hiding my annoyance, may purpose pa si Lord.
Papa grew upand grew old unused to receiving affection. He’s a very difficult man to please. Perfectionist. Masiri. He’s a NO man. Ang simbag nya sa offer, halos pirming “dai na” or NO DEAL. Perhaps this is how a man becomes if he himself has received little affection and many rejections. Moreover, he also becomes a man who has difficulty in expressing his affection.
Papa was a typical, should I say, Chinese father. A provider but often distant. Instead of praises and kisses, he gave words of wisdom which were like a very sharp sculptor’s tool shaping us (his children) to perfection. Papa’s own masterpieces.
Don’t get me wrong here. Papa wasn’t pusong bato. He is in fact a thoughtful father. He had his simple and sweet ways. One time in my juvenile years, mama and I had a fight. We weren’t eating. Hunger strike! Papa took me out for lunch at Naga Garden and told me that I should apologize to Mama. Dapat makanuod daa ako magpakumbaba. When we went home, he also had food for Mama.
Even when he was already sick and bed ridden, I’d hide my tears pag naiiling ko na inaapihap ni Papa ang likod ni Mama pag nag abo si Mama or pag nag aagrangay kan kulog likod nya. Minsan ma holding hands man yan duwa, and I would jokingly sing “Hawak Kamay” and sometimes Mama will sing along too.
Moments like this I didn’t get to see when Papa was not sick. Instead of their usual cat and dog fight, I witnessed how much they love as much as they sometimes “hate” each other. Sabi ngani: Love is caring for someone even when you are angry. Mamataught me this.
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Little did I know that my dream will come true in a trying time when Papa is sick and can no longer speak. Instead of praises, I received gestures of appreciation: Thumbsup, holding/rubbing my hand tight,grabbing my hand and kissing it, and my favourite? Tutukduon nya ang mukha kotapos ma thumbs up naman siya then he’d mouth the word: Magayon. Those gestures felt gazillion times better than if he expressed it verbally. Ang pagmati ko mas nainot pa ako kay Papa sa heaven.
Naiisip ko the four months may be the worst but it is definitely the best days of my life. In a way, I thank the Lord for putting my Papa in a position where he could no longer refuse to our efforts to show our love and care for him so he can see that contrary to his thinking: He is important, appreciated and loved. I think that was God’s plan for Papa.
For me, it wasn’t hypertension and pneumonia that caused Papa’s death. It was the past and how he was stuck in the pains it caused. Papa filled other people’s cup until he emptied his own. Yes, Papa was an empty man often bitter of what this world gave him. A world where love and kindness is almost always left unrequited, or worse requited with evil. A world which he now left to go to a better place where he is to reap his rewards because in spite of everything, I know you will all agree that my Papa is a good man with a good heart. A better man than many, in fact.
The past can make or break a person. In Papa’s case, it broke and crushed him beyond repair. It is true that a person must learn and understand his past, but one must not live in the past.
Sabi ngani, life is a journey. Kung stuck ka sa past, dai ka naghihiro so bako yan journey. Ang mga kadtung pangyayari sa buhay kan tao or ang past, garo man lang yan luggage pag mabyahe ka.
- Dai mo pwede darahon gabos na bado mo ta may baggage limit. Depende sa kaya mong bayaran. Depende sa kaya mo lang “darahun.”
- Kaya pag mabyahe ka, most likely you bring your best clothes only. Siyempre may picture picture, and new memories to make. You have to be in your best ispooting self. Ang mga dugyot na bado unless may sentimental value, dai mo yan bibitbitun. Siring man kayan ang journey sa buhay, we must bring the best of the past lang. Si mga pangit na memories, you leave it behind. No emotional baggage, only lessons learned dapat.
- Pag pano-pano ang luggage mo, there is no room for new things. Kung gusto mo makalaog ang bago, you have to let go of something or sometimes even someone from the past.
Papa’s life taught me these.
A few days before he passed away, I was talking and singing to him at the wee hours of the morning. He was wide awake staring. Sabi ko: Ano Pa? Dai na talaga kaya?Konting tiis nalang Pa ta matatapos na. Kung dai ka makaka attend sa kasal ko, maiintindihan ko. Aram ko yaon ka man giraray kayan. Dai ka na magparaisip Pa. Itong mga kulog buot mo kadtu, pabayai na ito. Ang Diyos ang mabalos saimo. I repeatedly told him: Let go and let God.
I know Papa has finally learned to let go. He was at peace when he passed away. Garo nagturog lang. He’s now gone to a place where he did not and does not need to bring anything but himself. Happy trip Pa! Sa wakas, natupad man giraray sigusto ko para saimo. Ang makahali ka sa harong sa Tabuc at saka ang marahay ka .All the while, I was praying and bargaining to the Lord na marahay ka but I learned to let go bako dahil napagal ako or sinukuan taka ta dai yan mangyayari but I realized that your complete healing will only be possible in the House of the Lord.
I love you somuch, Pa. Sabi ninda, hinalat mo lang daa ako mag uli. Salamat Pa ta hinalat moako. But our four months together also gave me more reasons to painfully miss you. Sabi din ninda dapat maging maugma ako ta dai ka na masakit. Maugma ako para saimo Pa. The pain of seeing in you in pain has gone but the pain of losing you and missing you everyday… of not being able to greet you good morning & good night, say I love you, kiss and hold you… nuarin mawawara? Dai ko aram kung arin mas makulog.
Don’t worry Pa. I will get through this. I find comfort in the thought that we will see each other again someday and that you will watch over me. And although you will not be there physically, I know you will be there walking with me down the aisle. I’d still be flashing a smile at everyone because it will still be the happiest day of my life because the best man in my life is in his best shape,with the best seat and the best view from above.
As the lyrics of the song I sang to you a few nights back goes, Pa.
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